There comes an old lady to a greengrocer's and says:
- I'd like a cucumber, a tomato and an onion.
- Sorry, we're out of onions.
Old lady pays and goes out. Returnes after a minute.
- Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to but an onion.
- But we are out of onions, I've told you.
- Really, sorry then...
And she goes out, but returnes after a second
- You know what? I forgo to buy an onion.
- How many times do I have to tell you: WE HAVE NO ONIONS LEFT!!!
- Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
And goes out, returnes in a second.
- I'm sorry young man I forgot to buy an onion.
- Madam, what will stay if you take away to from tomato?
- ...mato.
- Good. And what will stay if you take away cu from cucumber?
- ...cumber.
- Very good. And what will stay if you take away fuck from onion?
- ...There's no fuck in onion
- THAT'S WHAT I'M TELLING YOU!!!

*****

A teacher asks her class, - If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? - She calls on little Johnny. - None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.
The teacher replies, - The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then Little Johnny says: - I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies: - Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.
- The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.

*****

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
- I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.
- When did you use this awful language? - asks the elder.
- Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.
- Is that when you swore?
- No, Mother, - says the nun. - After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.
- Is THAT when you swore? - asked the Mother Superior again.
- Well, no. - says the nun. - You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!
- Is THAT when you swore? - asked the amazed elder nun.
- No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.
- Did you swear THEN? - asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
- No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said:
- You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

*****

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said,
- Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today??
- There's something wrong with my dick - he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said:
- You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
- Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you - he said.
- Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private. - replied the receptionist.
- You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone - replied the man.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
- Yes??
- There's something wrong with my ear - he stated..
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
- And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??
- I can't piss out of it. - he replied.